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I’m not saying this particular criminal was a tweaker, but the deputy who came out to take the report certainly did.  Three times.  He even used the “F” word.


We’re keeping the backstory to a minimum today folks because I don’t feel like rambling and I just want to get to the funny parts about an (allegedly) tweaking criminal ASAP.  

Yesterday, on my front car seat, were my front and back personalized plates from California along with the packaging for a crappy windshield phone mount that I was going to return to Target.  Sitting next to the package was the aforementioned crappy windshield phone mount.

I work from home, so I like to run any errands I have first thing in the morning.  It gets me out of the house and by the time I pull back in the driveway, it sort of seems like I’ve driven to work.  It sounds lame, but it works for me, so don’t knock it.

This morning I climbed in the car, coffee mug in hand and prepared for the trip to Target to make my return.  After putting my phone in the new (and waaaaayyyyy better holder I ordered off Amazon) I looked down and noticed that the packaging for the old one was missing.  The holder was there, but no box and receipt.  I thought it was odd, but I’m slowly losing my mind, so I searched the whole car (twice) and couldn’t find it.

It was at that point that I noticed the back plate, the one with the month and year registration stickers, was missing.  Putting two and two together, I figured that yesterday morning while I was out running errands, I must have momentarily left the car unlocked.

Why this genius criminal decided to take only packaging and a back plate and ignored the Hydroflask water bottle, jacket and two cell phone holders is beyond me, but then again, I don’t break into cars, so I don’t have the mindset of a tweaker criminal.

I live in the Ozarks.  I ditched the personalized California plates as soon as I could because they stuck out big time.  I’m not sure which got more looks, my purple goatee or DADDIO1.  A few people did ask me about the license plate and as soon as they realized I wasn’t on vacation and that I had moved here, they probably wondered why I would leave California for here.

 If you want to know the answer to that, read this.  But do it only after you finish reading what you’re reading now!  To do otherwise would be…criminal.

If anyone reading this is in either the tweaking or stolen merchandise fencing industries, I would be curious to know what a criminal could fetch for a personalized plate from another state that will get noticed in an instant.  For the record, if you are involved in either of those professions, I’m not judging and I won’t turn you in.  Nor do I plan on doing business with you in the future.  Just to be clear.

If this is a what crime looks like in the Ozarks, I can deal with this.  My last experience with crime in California was getting beaten, repeatedly kicked in the head for five minutes and robbed.  After that, I sat around having small seizures for five hours waiting for the police to show.  I’ll take this over that any day.

I have a message for the MENSA member who took the stuff from my car yesterday.  First off, MENSA was sarcasm.  I figured I had to explain that to you because you may not understand that concept.  It’s my way of saying you’re not really bright.

Did you seriously think you could go back to Target with an empty box and a receipt and try to get money or a gift card?  I’m pretty sure they won’t fall for the empty box trick.  I do know that when you go into Target with the item, no packaging or receipt and a good story, they WILL take it back and refund the money to my card. 

In fact, the girl behind the counter told me she could give me a dozen suspects just from her graduating class.

“Is there a message here?”  You may be asking yourselves.  Of course, there’s a message.  Funny stories can have good messages.  The message is this.

If you’re gonna jack stuff outta someone’s car, make it worth your while.  I’ll give you that the plate was probably worthwhile, but an out of state personalized plate probably ain’t the way to go when you’re trying to lay low.  

That’s not how DADDIO1 rolls.  We ain’t no criminal.

If you’re going to go to the trouble of stealing packaging and a receipt, make the effort and reach the extra half inch to grab the approx. ten oz of stuff that went into said package,  I know it’s a little extra work, but trust me, it pays off in the end and makes you a better criminal.  Doing that would have gotten you fifteen bucks and some change.  Now I’ve got the cha ching.  Boo yah.

It’s like the guy who broke into my car in California a couple years ago.  He stole prescription sunglasses and two bags.  He dumped the bags about a half block down the street once he realized they were full of a combined seventy pounds of hockey pucks and not the treasure he imagined.  Never did get the shades back.

Walter White Criminal Breaking BadThe real message is this.  Don’t freakin’ steal stuff out of people’s cars.  I don’t smoke meth and I’ve never seen Breaking Bad.  I know right?  It’s on my list of things to start binging.  As soon as Thrones is over.  Probably.  Gotta watch Ozarks as well, now that I’m living there.

Anyway, I’m sure that Walter dude who king pinned the whole racket or whatever he did, wouldn’t approve of you partaking from other people’s vehicles.  He’d want you out there hustling on the street, not trolling a parking lot looking for a dumbass who thought he hit lock on his remote but apparently didn’t.

There’s the true moral of this story.  Hard work.  If you worked hard instead of being a dumbass criminal, I would still have my back plate.  Of course, I wouldn’t have this story, so, maybe, in the end, it was all worth it.


JR Reed signature for Reed My Writing



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